Some things really just never change. Except the thickness of your hairline.

What's going on everybody?

How y'all doing out there?

I hope this video is finding you well.

If you are new to this channel, my name is Andrew, and this is the last of these little reaction videos that I have been making over these writing advice videos I made when I was much younger than I am now.

This has been kind of a crazy month here for me on YouTube with lots of these kind of reactions and self reflections and all this crazy stuff.

There's been laughter, there's been tears, but I finished my NaNo 2020 book, I finished going through my blog.

Now it's time to finish going through these old writing videos, and move on to some much different and much more exciting content.

So I don't even want to waste any time.

Without further ado, let's just get write on in.

Alright, Welcome back, everybody.

We again are here just at my old channel, my Andrew J. Stillman channel.

There's still some videos on there.

I've been kind of posting on there recently, as well.

I'm seriously here for this hairline.

I cannot wait to get that back.

I'm still on my little hair treatment.

But Damn, I'm just here for these curls.

That's the first thing I gotta say on this video, I want to get these curls back.

On Evoking Emotion.

How funny, because my little last writing vlog that is up there from this NaNo experience, I was all sad and emotional at the beginning.

And then I was done at the end.

And that's pretty much how these two videos are about to go.

So let's just see.

That's how I feel.

Oh, that's how I feel.

Okay.

Okay.

It's day nine of NaNo.

Okay.

I'm very, very tired.

Mm hmm.

This is the first day that I took it off.

I think back already, it's…

These last nine days have been pretty crazy.

And then the last couple of videos that I've made -- only two, the first two, I guess.

I mean, I tried to keep them light and funny.

I heard that my almost eight month year old nephew laughed at my --

Eight month year old?

Okay.

-- horses names last week.

So that's always nice to hear.

But that was all at the beginning of this process when things were still kind of, I guess, light and fun.

If anyone knows anything about this book, okay, anyone who's my friend, you know that it's going to be a sad book.

The first book dealt with anger.

And I don't know what that kind of meant but not so much yet.

We don't have time to watch this at normal speed.

Get to the point.

--on who's a friend, you know that it's going to be a sad book.

The first book dealt with anger and kind of some resentment, but not so much yet until later on in the series.

But it dealt with a lot of anger and a lot of coming into adulthood.

I guess that's really what these powers that I'm writing about are representing, at least in my mind, today, really.

I see them as killing the child that was within you to become the adult that you're supposed to be. And--

I feel like I just sounded like Una at the CodeX Cantina.

Killing the child within you to become the adult that you have to be is how I look at these powers.

Am I channeling my inner Una?

Una is so smart.

--that's why I shoot for the 24/25-year-olds are kind of in the same boat as me because I think that that can be a really overwhelming process for people in general.

I know I was one of them.

I still am, I guess.

It's okay.

We're all kind of works in progress.

No one's really perfect.

So this book has kind of --

Okay, all right. All right. All right.

2014 Andrew, you started out awkward as hell.

But I'm here for you here at the end.

-- stark contrast to that anger, and to that rage that really fueled Donovan and Druin in the first book.

And this deals a lot more with depression and loneliness and sadness and fear and isolation.

And I've talked about that a little bit.

But when I started this at the beginning of the month, when I really -- actually, when I started this book in general, I never really realized how intense it was going to get.

It's really, well, and it's really real, this book, to me, at least, because these are feelings that I'm no stranger to.

I've definitely been suicidal.

Still not -- wait.

Hold on, I'm going to slow this down, Maybe 1.5 is too fast.

Let's do 1.25.

And it's really real this book to me at least.

Because these are feelings that I'm no stranger to.

I've definitely been suicidal before.

I've definitely been depressed before.

I mean, right now, I currently live alone.

And at first, that was quite an adjustment, living in my own isolation from the rest of the world.

And you didn't even know what was about to happen in 2020!

Oh, my God.

And this story has really taken a different turn than I really thought it was going to my whole life.

This title, "Tides of Darkness," has been in my head and I feel like I've always been working toward it ever since I was eight.

That was the first time I tried to write a book and that was the first the first time Tides of Darkness came to my head, was --

Hey, I have that!

I've shown that… I'm not going to go look for it right now.

But I have shown the little floppy disk of that because I still have that.

Second grade, Forbidden Fire.

Maybe look a little bit familiar?

Tides of Darkness, that is the second book for this series here that no one has ever read.

So apparently that one stuck around with me for a while.

-- when I was eight years old, and the evil guy's name is Lord Faromiunt.

That's all I remember from it because I was, I mean a child, that --

Still!

-- now that I'm here working on Tides of Darkness, and really getting into the nitty gritty and really learning more about my characters than what --

I low key, like…

I think I kind of look good as a 24 year old.

I thought -- I missed my youth!

--we saw in Imortality Awaits, is just taking quite a big toll on me emotionally a lot more so than I ever really thought that it would.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about evoking --

I was literally just talking about this same exact thing in my last vlog at the beginning.

So that's weird.

-- emotion, which obviously is something that most writers, you should at least strive for.

Because you really want the people who read your books to feel the emotions that fuel your characters and the thoughts that control them.

And they have to make sense, they have to work together.

And there's a difference, really, between being part of the audience and being part of the creation.

And I think that that, in particular, is a lesson that I'm learning a lot with this NanoWriMo.

I mean, in the first book, everything was just really introductory, everything was just…

I had to get it out of the way.

I needed to get the story set up to take it off.

The first book is just, I think about it as if you're looking at the whole series as a roller coaster.

Book one is standing in line and looking at the people who are screaming and wondering if this is really something that you're into or not.

And then you get to the front and you strap on.

And that's the first book.

The second book is the start of the roller coaster.

And I think I compare this one in particular to California Adventure at Disneyland because that roller coaster, you just shoot it soon as you start.

You're just, there is no holding on whatsoever.

And that's kind of what's going to happen in Times of Darkness.

And especially with the name, I'm really starting to learn how dark this is going to be.

This is so weird.

It's really interesting, actually, to currently hear myself talk about what this book was meant to be.

And like how I feel about it now.

I'm reading this book next month, side note, spoiler alert for part of my TBR.

I'm not reading it alone.

And I'm not reading it --

I mean, I am reading it by choice, but it's not because I was like, "Oh, I should read this book."

It was because I told someone, like, "Oh, if you buy it, I'll read it with you," thinking --

Whatever Jessi at Bookish Mom, you got me.

But it's interesting to hear this.

I think for me, at least as the author, I'm definitely like, "Huh, that's interesting,."

It already really is, it's going to be the darkest in the series, the next one's going to be a lot more adventurous.

But this, this book is really dedicated --

It's true.

-- to people who are broken and shattered on the inside.

And who tried to cover up the things that have hurt them and to mend the wounds that cut them up still to this day.

And it's a hard enough thing as it is in real life to overcome those kinds of emotions, those kinds of self doubts, and it's really hard to create it.

So, as a reader or as an audience, when you get that feeling of --

Just as a side note, in general, I do love this book so much more than I love this one.

It is just that since writing this book, the events that took place in this book don't match up.

And that's where I've gotten stuck.

I just feel like I need to put that out there.

Because I get a lot of questions about why don't you publish, and that's because I'm stuck.

-- with the sadness, or the anger or the love or whatever it is that you feel from the author.

I think it's easy to ignore what was going on with the author because we all have this stigma.

Even I did when I first started writing that pretty much books just happen.

You just sat down, you pumped it out and, you know, you went through it a couple of times.

But I think that in general, we really don't understand, or we really don't look at what it is that the creators go through.

I was reading this thing with JK Rowling the other day about --

I literally just said the same thing in my last writer's vlog, where I was just like, "I've always tried to explain to people…"

Wow.

-- but her reaction was when she killed off Fred and when she killed Lupin, Tonks --

Oh, I think I'm literally about to say almost the exact same thing I just said on that vlog on that.

And I have a greater empathy for that now, because as authors we really get attracted -- or attached, not attracted… hopefully attached to our characters, and they really do become children to us.

You could…

You could get attracted to your characters.

This Andrew… this Andrew…

You can get attracted to your characters.

And it's something that can't be explained unless you are a writer.

But when you put your characters, or your children, or even if you think of them as friends, just things that you've thought of, people that you love into these situations where you really beat them up.

It's really difficult.

And this month has really turned into an emotionally challenging month for me.

Oh back then, I thought that was hard!

A lot more so than I ever thought it was going to.

I'm sorry.

The somberness of this video, it's definitely not as humorous and light-hearted as the last couple.

But if you've read Immortality Awaits, thank you for starting the journey with me.

If you haven't, you can wait until Tides of Darkness is out because it's going to be way better.

But in truth --

Wait until it's out.

I don't know what to say about that.

-- I'm trying really hard to take everything about this whole entire series seriously.

I'm really trying to make these characters relatable, and really feel what they're feeling.

And the more I get to know them, and the more I get into it, the more I realized that they have a dark, dark, dark past all of them.

This is so true.

And this Lezlie!

Lezlie, this is what I'm talking about when I say I hear you when you're talking about what the villain and the thing that and your ramblings, it's been with me.

This is why -- this is why we're friends rightnow, because we've already connected like somewhere, maybe, I don't know.

We feel the same way about this.

-- to get from it.

So I'm certainly ready for this month to be over.

It has been long.

I can't -- I literally cannot believe it is only the ninth.

I thought that I was almost… almost halfway.

I'm almost halfway in the book.

I'm at about 30,000 words.

So it's coming together, but it's only November 9.

So I took the day off from writing just to record this video, and it's church. So --

Church!

-- I don't know, we'll see.

This is going to be pretty, a pretty crazy week.

I'm trying to record these videos every three day if -- three days, if for nothing else but to see how much I change just when I rewatch these videos, because the videos --

When I rewatch these videos six years later to see how much I have changed!

-- that I took in Massachusetts, which are going to be aired soon.

No, they never got aired.

I really saw the change in who I was when I sat down at the airport and did my first video and who I was when I landed back.

And I I feel that already happening in this month.

And I feel that already happening with this book.

And I'm very interested to see what's going to happen when it's over.

But it's only the ninth day.

So there's still a lot of time left.

But sorry, this turned into a ramble.

Just that's pretty much how NaNo is treating me.

I mean, that's very, wow.

When you think about people who write books, don't question how much it hurts them to do certain things.

I think -- I mean, when we talk about what you killed characters, everyone should live, everyone blah blah blah.

I mean, we have the same thoughts, as the authors.

And it's just as hard for us to kill them off.

Even, maybe, I mean, harder.

And yeah.

I wrote my first death scene, by the way.

I don't know if that's been obvious out of all of this.

But my most recent writing vlog, I was literally crying at the beginning about killing people.

And I hadn't even killed, like, a character.

I'd, like, they were just cannibals.

So they were just the person that they killed and ate that I was upset about.

So it's very different.

You're actually, like, attached to who you kill.

It's been… it's getting kind of morbid.

And it's just more of a challenge to separate fantasy worlds from real world and fantasy emotions and emotions that are real, but not mine into my own because it affects me so much.

So thank you for watching you for listening.

I am really, really, really, really excited to share this book, when I'm done.

It won't be done at the end of the month.

Obviously, it's just the first draft.

But by the time this book is finished, I really think that it's going to be the defining book of my career.

Ah, I said, what?

Oh, I said WHAT?!

I need to rewind and I need to listen to that at a normal speed.

I said what?

Really excited to share this book when I'm done.

It won't be done at the end of the month.

Obviously, it's just a first draft.

But by the time this book is finished, I really think that it's going to be the defining book of my career.

I said DAT! Dat!

I feel that about a different book now.

So no pressure, but we'll see.

So happy NaNo, if you're still going keep plugging.

If you're breaking down like me, don't worry.

You're not the only one.

I've never cried it before writing, and I've cried every single day for the last five days.

It's been kind of obnoxious and it's only day nine.

Three weeks.

If you are one of the people who this book is dedicated to and you feel broken, and you feel useless, and you feel like your life has no purpose, remember, you are not alone.

And remember that you are wrong.

Because you have a purpose.

Oh!

You have a reason for your life.

And that's what I'm examining in this book.

It's gonna be some fantasy realism out there for you people who think fantasy can't get real.

Happy NaNo!

Oh, oh my gosh.

Wow.

Okay, honestly, as the author, I will I will say that that was the most relatable video for me so far.

As far as like, that's literally, I feel like I just recorded that video two days ago.

That's hilarious.

And this is the last one.

What is going on in this video?

Why do I look like this?

Okay, well, this is hilarious.

Okay, we're gonna watch this one at a faster speed too, because I already can't deal.

Oh, that is the face I made and still kind of making because I just hit 50,000 words.

Today is November 14, and is obviously day 14 and National Novel Writing Month.

And somehow, some way, I don't know how I --

I look a damn mess in this, I look a hot damn mess 100%.

But like I just woke up and 50,000 words that I was like, "Oh, that was that was what--"

I wish writer Andrew could look like now, but my, I don't have the hair that I had then.

--just managed to hit 50,000 words, it's only been two weeks, two weeks.

It has been a very long, two weeks.

How I did this, I really really don't know, it really kind of requires about four to five hours of writing time a day, which is a lot, but I'm still not done.

I still have so much left to do.

This draft is really coming together very well though.

I'm really, really enjoying what I'm writing.

And I'm really, really enjoying how it's going down.

It's very emotional, but it's very raw and very real at the same time.

And I like that a lot.

I'm really excited about getting to the editing stage.

And at the beginning of the month, I thought that I wouldn't be able to hold a copy of it until December because I'm gonna order approve of CreateSpace.

And then but it looks like I might even be able to have that by the end of the month.

I cannot wait.

Because I need to tear this apart.

Because I need to add a lot of stuff.

A lot of these are desperation words, especially today.

I had written the 3500 because I've been doing desperation, where it's been about 3500 words a day.

So I have written that.

And I realized I was only 2000 words away from 50,000.

I don't like, "I have to, I have to," so the last dew thousand words were definitely desperation words that are going to need to be fixed.

But I'm really looking forward to that process.

Because I know what it does, because I saw the transition Immortality Awaits.

But if you're on track, you're about 24,000 words in.

If you're not there, don't worry, you can do a lot in a really short amount of time.

Trust me.

There's still a whole half of month in front of you.

So if you're on track, good job, if you're ahead, high five!

If you're not, don't worry, keep trying and keep going.

And as always, thanks for watching.

Thanks for listening, I'm really excited to share this with you guys.

Wow, really excited to share it all when I'm done.

Now I look like a hot mess.

And I never shared it with anybody.

So that's cool.

Six years later, especially that one that was talking about like, "Oh, when I watch these videos back…"

Today was actually very interesting, because it was cool to see what I had meant, like I said earlier with this book in the intent of it when I was putting it out and what I was trying to do with this book as well.

And I do think that reading this book next month is going to be interesting, it will be kind of like a separate aspect to bring this whole self reflection thing to a close just because I don't know, I don't even know what this book says.

So I think it might be interesting to get back, especially after that.

To hear myself say what I had wanted with this.

So it'll be interesting, I think, to read what I published at one point.

So I don't know.

But that was interesting.

I never obviously finished talking about this book.

From these videos, I finished the book, obviously, by the end of the month, I hit the 84,000 words, or whatever it was.

And I did have it.

And then honestly, basically, like, two days after I finished writing that book was when I decided to go to New Zealand, and that was when I went.

And six months later… by April, April 7 was when I left for New Zealand.

And this last video was November 14 2014.

Yeah.

And by April 7 of 2015, I was gone.

So that's definitely interesting to see.

Because there was a lot that happened in between that last video and the first one here on Get Write On In.

But just like I said back then, I mean, I have definitely been through depression and suicidal thoughts and tendencies and all that stuff.

So I'm glad for myself, at least, that I have come out of all of that and I'm here where I am now.

And I'm glad that I finally gotten through all of this reflection because for me, that was great.

I've had a great month doing all of this.

I know some people have really enjoyed these videos.

I'm appreciative of that.

Thank you all for your support and for being here.

And I'm definitely looking forward to next month when I can make content that's not just about me anymore, but I love you all so much.

And thanks for letting me get all of this reflection because I'm definitely a lot different than I was at the beginning of this month and I'm grateful for that.

See you next time!