Why I stopped sharing my work (and why you should always keep going)
This is the transcript, best read while listening to the video above.
Oh my hell! What is this picture? Oh lord, oh no, no!
Hi everybody!
How you all doing out there?
I hope this video is finding you well.
My name, for those of you who do not know, is Andrew.
And first of all, I would like to apologize if you can see last night's mascara.
I was filming a scene with my friend, E. Ardell, who I will link down in that description box.
We did a little character scene, that's gonna be coming out on my channel next month.
It was super fun, I'm super excited about that.
We got to get all dressed up.
But I don't have makeup remover, so I still have got my little eyeshadow on from my steampunk costume.
And I just wanted to get that out of the way before anyone asks if I'm wearing makeup, because yes I am.
Second of all, this is gonna be the very last of my blog reactions.
I'm pretty excited about that.
I have two other blog reaction videos, and at the moment I have two other video reaction videos of me just going through some of my old stuff; writings, and writing videos, and things that I've done in the past on my little journey to reconnect with myself through this National Novel Writing Month 2020 adventure.
So, I don't really want to waste too much time over here, because I know Lezlie, over at Nerdy Narrative, loves these videos so much.
So, I'm just not gonna waste any time, Let's Get Write On In!
Alrighty, welcome back everybody!
Like I said earlier, this is going to be the last of these blog reaction videos that I do.
I was gonna have today just be the second half of 2013, and then do one more video for 2014.
But 2014 only has a couple of posts and I don't want to drag this out any longer than it needs to be done.
Because I have some non-NaNoWriMo self-reflection content that I'd love to get right on into.
So, we are just gonna finish this out today, and honestly I don't really know how this one's gonna end.
I will be reflecting on why I quit my blog.
This… it happened right after I published this, and I've been talking a lot on this channel about the trauma that I feel from publishing this book, so I feel like today that's gonna be something that's brought up.
But I'm hoping that the memories in the meantime, are just as exciting as they have been so far, because this has been a super fun little project that I randomly decided to do.
So, I'm grateful that YouTube, and anyone who's been watching me, has allowed me to get this all off my chest.
Okay, so here we are and again we're starting here with this, What Your Non Starbucks Barista Is Thinking.
And if you did see my last blog reaction video, you might remember that I had these little series of posts that I had written about what your server is really thinking in the restaurant, what your barista is really thinking when you go out to get your coffee in the morning.
And when I was a barista, I was not a Starbucks barista, and I had a lot of people who just didn't care about that, I don't know.
So, there's definitely, I feel like, a lot of baristas out there who don't work at Starbucks, who with this one, would probably, like, feel what I was saying a lot.
But the biggest one I think that definitely bothered me was always just that whole grande, venti, tall.
I know that was out of order, or whatever, but I would really hate it when people would order like that, and then get kind of like upset with you if you didn't do it like that.
So, I don't know, that always left a sour taste in my mouth.
In the same vein that I just made this little character video with my friend Eboni yesterday, I would love, in the future, to act out these little scenes with some actors, and bring them more to life, because I do think that they were really funny.
So, what is next?
Oh here we go!
This is obviously another one where I was complaining about… Well I don't really like kids, first of all, so those of you who call me Tom Ellis, Lucifer, that is definitely the most, like, in common character trait he and I would share, Lucifer, I would say, is our not-happiness with children.
I mean…
"Children. What a breath of fresh air.
A carbon copy of the parents. Cute, cuddly, smiley. Playful, inquisitive, pristine.
Or the worst STD known to man."
My nephew, if you're watching that, this was written before you existed, sorry.
But this was a whole thing about how annoying it is to serve children in restaurants.
And not just children, but children who have really not present, or kind of annoying parents.
That was really the problem.
It's the same thing, kind of, like, with dogs.
It's hard to really blame the dog sometimes, when the truth is, it's the dog owner that is the problem.
So, I feel the same way about parentals with their children.
And not every parent is bad, so don't get me wrong.
It's just the bad ones that make posts like this happen, from writers like me.
A Pre-Midlife Crisis, at age 24, wow!
I wonder what that was like, when I have one of those basically every day still at 30.
Skillet: RISE -- the Album Review.
So, this isn't actually… I just bring this up because, obviously this is music review, duh, Skillet is my favorite band.
I… I've talked about that, kind of, maybe, maybe not.
But I bring this up because this was my most viewed / visited article on this whole entire thing, and it was a very in-depth, as you can see, I wrote about every single song, everything going on, I loved this album when it came out and, yeah.
So, this was my top, like, viewed I guess, I don't know even though.
There wasn't that much interaction with it, but that's just the only reason I brought that up.
I want to know what my midlife crisis was!
Cursing up on here, oh look at that!
24 did always seem like a good age to me, like, when I was younger.
Aww, their early 30s.
Oh, and I was reminiscing about what it was like… or reminiscing, envisioning what it'll be like when i'm in my 30s and i've got all my [ __ ] together.
So funny!
"When you're a kid and 30 seems so far and so old"
Yes!
Oh, "At this point, I would love to be in my 30s."
Look at that!
Well, listen Andrew in 2013, you're talking to yourself from your 30s now, and there's some things that you're kind of stupid about.
But it's all right, so it's cool.
The whole 20s thing is overrated.
But I definitely agree with all of that.
So, yeah, this is basically just a whole vent about how much I hated my 20s when I was 24 years old.
scoffs
Before any of my 20s had even really hit me.
That's hilarious.
And now I am 31, that is my current age as of this.
I… I think that's funny and I think it's funny that I wanted to be in my 30s, and here you are [ __ ].
Why Turkeys Are Served on Thanksgiving.
This I already know, that this was one of those random ass stories, where…
First of all, this is a question that I could have, now that I've opened this up.
Did you know turkeys can fly?
Because they can fly, and they're huge.
And this story I can tell you now, that I just… now that I've opened this up and I have this.
There were turkeys that… where I was living, at the time of writing this, there was turkeys that were fighting, and flying outside of my second floor window, on my ledge.
And they were doing it on a daily, like, 6 a.m basis, for, like, two weeks before I finally snapped and wrote this post.
Them turkeys man.
They fly, so if you ever see a turkey and they're fighting, you run!
They fly, like, they are… they will fly at you, and they're crazy.
Here's another daily prompt, shameless promotion.
9 Things I Miss About the 90s!
Oh my gosh!
What was that?
Animorphs, yes!
I… it's outside.
Yesterday, I was actually in my garage, going through my boxes of books that I have kind of showed around here, on the channel.
Because I'm putting my little TBR together, for the readathon on Shelf Space next month.
And I was out in the boxes…
I'm trying to see if I pulled any of them out, but I would love to finish out my collection of this series.
Every time I go to buy it, they've just re-released, like, the first 10 with either new covers or there's audio books now, for the first 10.
I want to actually go through and find out which ones I need but I would love to have a full and complete set of this.
And I would love to read them all, because I never got to get through them.
And wow, that's so funny.
Harry Potter.
Okay, well I don't necessarily miss Harry Potter because it's still…
Rocket Power!
Yes!
Yes, I am here for Rocket Power.
Otto was my hero.
I was there for Rocket Power.
That was, like, the one tv show that I watched when I was a kid that read all the time.
I was like Rocket Power, Wishbone, and sometimes Rugrats.
That's when… that's when you'll find me in front of the tv, and Arthur!
Oh, Rugrats!
There it is, there we go.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, still, kind of, maybe don't miss because I watch it still, all the time.
I was watching it, I think, the other day when I was doing a writing session, I don't know.
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Sad that this isn't here, but I actually…
This is just the only one I can find right now, but I own this on DVD.
I bought like a bootleg copy off of ebay forever ago, so I still watch this show sometimes too.
But this was some good… I loved Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Yes! So good!
Oh oh oh oh this is All That.
Yes!
I'm so here for that.
Keenan and Kel, The Amanda Show.
Who loves on soda? Yeah, Kel loves on soda.
Oh 90s, that was a good jam.
I like… I grew up in the 90s, I was born in '89, so the 90s is like my… my jam.
I was unaware painting was such a loud event.
What was happening to me?
All these little dogs.
Oh!
So this, I guess, is about a construction man who was afraid of these two little puppies because they broke a pipe, screwed everything up.
What else is new?
Out with the old, ooh ain't nobody got time for that.
Okay oh!
Dad's been in the hospital in 2013.
Still some things never change.
Love you, Dad!
You're in the hospital all the time, though.
What happened?
Out With the Old.
Oh, quarter life crisis again.
Is this my…?
Oh, this is… this is a car that I bought.
If I could backtrack in time, I'd tell my whiny, 16 year old self the same thing, I have my whole life in front of me. I could throw up, but it's so funny.
Well, I bought a new car.
That was what that was all about.
But I don't have that car anymore, so it's fine, not a big deal.
On Writer's Block and Loving Your Work.
Ooh I wonder what this is gonna be about?
I wonder.
Oh it's my hundredth post!
Okay how exciting.
Eleven months on the blogosphere, holy wow!
Writer's block, when your imaginary friends won't talk to you.
Okay that's some truth, that's an actual truth, I wasn't lying about that
…story after story after story the importance of loving your own work…
Okay so this is just all… just advice that younger Andrew was just like "See guys, just go love your work, and just be part of yourself, and anything you do is just gonna be amazing, and just don't let it ever stop you."
And then I like went and cried my life away, because i'm a little [__].
What's next?
Git-r-done.
Alright, git-r-done.
Music to My Ears.
The Dark Side of the Dolla.
That was another… I talked about this guy, Jeff, before.
We used to do some collab posts, he was so funny.
I wish that his website was still around, so I could like show that.
Oh of the coffee mug!
I've talked about this coffee mug, the one that i stole from Borders when it was still around.
Oh my hell!
What is this picture?!
Oh lord! Oh no! No!
This is… this is a real picture that exists on the internet.
Okay, first of all that shirt, I don't know where that shirt is but… that is a Mountain Dew tank top because… yeah I was wearing that bro tank what in the…?
By the end of your novel you're gonna look something like this.
I, well, you know, I agree.
Oh my gosh, this is so funny.
So this is just about finishing your novel.
What else is new?
I was back there just trying to tell people, “You just go write! You just go get ready.”
This was August, but it doesn't even matter.
You just go write whatever the [ __ ] you want.
Music to my ears, what is going on?
Oh, Lindsey Sterling, all right.
I-I discovered Lindsey Sterling, I discovered The Civil Wars, I wanted to let people know that that was great writing music.
I still, I list — I literally listened to The Civil wars last night at midnight because I couldn't sleep.
So I put on Barton Hollow, I put on Poison and Wine, I put on some of their hits.
I love The Civil Wars.
I’m so sad that they broke up, but it's fine, because… that's fine.
It's fine.
It's not fine, but out of my control.
I’m pretty sure this is just gonna be a hate…
Oh, okay, hold on .a
“At 23-years-old,” who’s… who's this guy… This guy… Aaron Hernandez!
That’s… I think this was before Aaron Hernandez…
I think he wrote this about when Aaron Hernandez killed that one guy when he was drunk and this was before he’d, like, committed suicide or any of this.
Wow.
“In 2012, Hernandez, a 23-year-old once tight end (that wasn't a prison joke but it can be if you want) for the New England Patriots earned a 12.5 million dollar signing bonus on top of the five-year extension he'd gotten with his contract.
At 23-years-old, this guy made more money by signing his goddamn name that I’ll ever see in my entire life.
If I were at that age, and I just earned that money, this would be on my list of things to do: Buy an awesome house, buy a sweet ride, and bitches.
Buy an awesome house, buy a sweet ride, bitches, and shoot someone in the fucking face was Aaron's list.”
Dang, that's so funny and crazy that he wrote that before!
Uh, yeah, I’ll hear Jeff the scene you go to client and then it doesn't exist.
Oh, he was, uh, that's weird… “Guest post Andrew Doo Doo.”
So I wrote this on his… but what did I write about?
But it was…
What is about doo do?
Oh, you can't read it because it's not there anymore.
It's there??
He's here??
I found him?!?
Can I get in contact with him????
Hey, all of my these are all of mine!
Wow, he's here!
I’m happy that that just happened, but I still want to know about this doo doo.
What was doo doo that I was writing about?
What's happening here?
I know what was happening here.
That was the story that I wrote because it was about the first memory that you ever had. And the first memory I ever had was… taking a poop.
That's what it was about, just me taking a poo in my diaper and remembering it from when I was three.
Wasn’t… so this was… this was when I was closing in august 2013, this was when I was getting ready, oh, my gosh…
This was a cover that I made for this book.
Obviously, it changed a lot before it actually hit.
I don't know where this book is, like, I had all of these drafts of this book and I was going to bring them out on the show but I cannot find them.
I didn't find them in any of the boxes.
I wonder if they're…
So, I-I didn't find those books that I was just looking for, but I did find some of my Animorphs books.
Ooh, and I even said… oh this has got a little… join us!
Join us!
So that's cool.
I probably have, like, 45 of these, but I do kind of want to, like, get like I said, get together the ones that I have so that I know which ones I need and then start reading.
But anyway, what was I doing?
This is just a cover art and synopsis.
Got it.
What's next?
Foam rollers and water pillows.
So, foam rollers.
I still have mine… I won’t get it out, but I still have my foam roller.
This was when I discovered a foam roller, I had a water pillow, I’m just now at this current time remembering that I had a water pillow and thinking about, like, “Wow, I kind of want to get a water pillow again.”
Because it was freaking amazing.
I remember this.
It was nice and squishy, and then you just lay down like that, and then it's just, like, all around in your head and you just move around and it's like a water bed, but a water pillow, but it gets moldy.
And I think that that's why I ended up throwing it away, because it was all moldy and nasty.
You don't need the mold and the nasty.
Happy Birthday Artist Mindset!
How cute!
I only celebrated it once, because then I quit.
How fun.
And then that was a copy of this before it looked like this, and that was a thick-ass copy because that was almost twice the size of the one that I actually published.
“On being an emerging author,” this one should be good.
What we got in this bitch?
“If you're a beginning writer, I highly recommend trying out NaNoWriMo.”
Apparently, some things, again, just don't ever change.
Oh, being an emerging author.
Oh, what were my cover options for the book?
Is this when they were changing?
This was!
Ooh, okay, so, I had this is an option, this is…
This is, I think that's not the one that became out there, but okay.
So this, this… that was the first option, okay, what else we got?
This one, oh I liked this one, but it just didn't end up working for what I was trying to do with the actual story.
What else is new?
I don't know.
This one, yeah, I liked this one a lot.
My friend Richie made those.
I think he did a great job.
Guys, we're moving on to the last page of this blog, and then it's gonna be over, and that's gonna be weird.
Ah, this has been, like, a weird reflection, but super nice.
This blog that we've been going through is kind of, like, the ultimate idea of, I guess the content that I would want on this channel.
Where it's kind of like a mix, like you've seen movie reviews and book reviews.
I actually — no book reviews in here, but there was music reviews and all sorts of different types of writing, we've seen my poetry, and we've seen all that other stuff.
I have the writing advice stuff that's kind of interspersed, but this is, yeah, the idea, I guess, that I would want to have more of in going forward.
It’s just this type of, um, content.
Okay, so what's going on on this very last page?
Oh, here's a couple… oh, here's a poem.
Okay, I’m gonna, what is this?
Oh, wow.
“The walls tell their secrets
Their song fills my ears
I have chosen this path once before
It damaged me greatly
Ink splatters on my fingers
As the walls encourage the words
Life's path presents many opportunities
And one must always learn and grow”
Some of that actually spoke to me still right now, seven years later.
That's cool.
The calm before the storm, where did 2013 go?
“I’m welcoming 2014 with open arms.”
Me too!
Can we go back to 2014?
Because I’m over this 2020 bullshit.
This is me just getting ready to put out that book that was gonna come out in five months from this.
I made a review for The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug.
Probably didn't really like it that much, if I’m being honest.
Conquering fear, this is me just, again doing the same thing I’m doing right now.
Pushing myself forward and trying to overcome anything that freaks me out or scares me or makes me feel less than or unworthy or anything.
And then here, I’ve decided to shut down The Artist Mindset because I wanted…
At first, I wanted to pursue making a blog just for this, which still is here, I think, but it's just all of these kind — oh, God the videos.
Yay, we haven't even gotten to those, but yeah.
Oh, geez.
That was another website that just went off into the ether of nothingness.
Just like everything else I’ve done.
Lowell, Massachusetts.
This is when, um…
This is when I went out to that place in Lowell, Massachusetts.
It's actually where my book starts, so I’d never been there and I went out there and visited it before I actually published this.
And I went in the… January of 2013 here, and that was a really great experience.
No, no, January 2014.
And that was awesome.
This is a side note, by the way, this is after I recorded everything that you just watched.
And I was talking about Lowell, and I was wearing a Low — my Lowell T-shirt while I was doing that video, and then I didn't put that in there, so this is gonna be, like, cut into wherever you're at.
And I just recorded a writing prompt and realized that I talked about Lowell without mentioning that I was wearing the Lowell shirt.
Okay, bye!
So, yeah, that was one of the best things that I did.
But yeah, I just have this last thing about kind of talking about what it's like to self-publish.
And then this was I guess… just right before you know all of the depression and stuff happened.
Because this was right when I was like, "ah self-publishing is not so bad, I can sell some books. I can make a thing out of this."
And it's still probably the truth.
I, as I have said before, have put out a book that I am not proud of.
So therefore, I look back on this and just think, like, I was such an idiot.
But you could have bought it then, you can still buy it now.
Jessi, from The Bookish Mom, and my friend, Rachel want to read this with me.
So it is available on Amazon.
I currently have it as a potential on my TBR for my December reads, even though that is getting crazy as well.
It's funny that I ended off this blog with a poem, but I'm going to read it as well, and see what it's like.
Oh, this already looked…
Wow this looks exactly like how I feel still.
"Hidden in shadows,
Desperate to be seen,
Longing to be heard,
Yearning to fill the void
That fuels every
Fear-soaked thought.
So long admiring the spotlight.
So long just begging to be loved.
So long wishing I was the hero.
When will it be my turn?
The eyes start to notice.
The mouths start to speak.
The heads start to turn.
The light I have fought so hard for
Now glares behind this screen
My soul projects my dreams onto.
The curtain starts to draw.
Applause roars within my heart.
Is this the time?
Will the wings I have fly?
Will the darkness be swept away
As soon as the leap is taken?
Practice, practice, practice.
All I have done is practice.
What to do, what to say,
How to look, how to think.
Scrutinized as hard as I
Scrutinized the words before me.
Desperate to find the beauty in pain,
And more scared than anything
That I never will."
That's the last thing that I wrote on this blog.
Part of the reason for what that all just was.
I just took a huge minute to, by the way, like that was a big thing I've got.
It was… that was a weird thing to finish this out on.
Because I still feel that same way, and especially this part here, talking about the eyes starting to notice and stuff.
What freaked me out was this, like the blog that I was do… it was growing and the idea, like I said, of people actually like looking at what I was doing, and people responding to what I was doing.
And then having that work being something that I wasn't proud of at the end of it all.
I mean look what happened, I stopped and so did it.
Everything just went blank after that, you know?
And I did that to myself.
So I don't know, don't do that to yourself.
I really… don't do that to yourself because you just never know.
Honestly, like you can look back one day and it…
Like I… I sit here and I just think about, like, with this blog or like, the videos that I've been reacting to, and stuff, I really think, like, what would it have been like if I never stopped?
Because, I mean, even on this blog, like, I had that growth that was coming through, and that's what scared me.
And that's what made me stop pursuing my own dreams, was the fact that I saw that there was a potential that I actually could do them.
And then I just became my own, like I said, “Scrutinized as hard as I scrutinized the words before me.”
That's like how I act, that's how I am.
I’m so over-critical of everything that I do, so that was a really weird thing.
I’m glad that I read that out loud.
I’m gonna definitely include that whole entire poem in the final, but I’ll definitely also have some more reflection, obviously, once I have the videos done.
But this is the last of those blogs, and yeah.
There's just a lot to think about, to be honest.
I know it's kind of like a sad, somber ending, but it's kind of how I figured it was going to be because it was the end, you know?
And this is the part where it’s, like…
I have gone through all of this, and been like, “Wow, look at what I was doing.
Look at what I did.
Look at all of these memories that I made.”
And now look at me stopping.
You know?
And knowing what I did to myself, and stopping my own dream.
Ao that just is what it is.
But that's why, now, I always am just trying to tell everybody…
Don't do that.
Like, you just keep pushing through until it happens, because I guess now it’s, like…
I would much rather look back, you know, six years from now and still like if…
If I haven't grown the way that I wish that I would have grown or whatever, then I guess I’d still…
I still don't want to look back and be like, “I wonder what would have happened if I didn't quit?
So that's where I’m going now with this channel.
But I need to be done with this, so thank you guys for letting me do these walks down memory lane.
The videos will continue this Thursday.
I’ve got a couple of those left.
I’m hoping that I don't get as sad during them, but we'll just see.
So I’ll see you all next time, and thank you all for your continued support.
And it really does mean a lot to this author who's still just…
